Wednesday, August 17, 2016

s-t-r-u-g-g-l-e

Life lately has been hard, to say the least. Just when things seem to be looking up and we start to get stable and settled, five million things seem to go wrong/change/throw us for a loop.

In so many areas, I'm struggling.


I'm struggling with our finances - when paychecks aren't what you expect, it makes things super difficult.

I'm struggling with my faith - it's messy at the moment, and I have so many questions.

I'm struggling with different health issues (mine and Cory's) that keep attacking us.

I'm struggling with patience - we all know I have none.

I'm struggling with the east coast - I miss my family and friends back home something fierce and wish that I could visit every other weekend.

I'm struggling with hope, if I'm being honest. Which I am, clearly. I keep getting knocked down and it's getting harder and harder to get back up and keep fighting.

I'm struggling with my career - so many questions with very little answers.

I'm struggling with this blog - creativity has been lacking and writer's block has hit me something fierce.

I'm struggling with contentment - I can't seem to find it lately.

I'm struggling with joy - so much has been weighing on me and it's hard to breathe some days.

I'm struggling.

In so many ways, I'm struggling. These few here are only the tip of the iceberg.

I know I have so much to be thankful for and am usually super positive and uplifting. I know there are so many people out there that are dealing with worse things and that I should be grateful for what I do have. I know this. But sometimes, like now, it's just too much and I have to let it out. I have to write it down or type it out in order to process it and work it out or let it go.

I want a break from adulting so badly. I want a reprieve from all of it, or heck, even just some of it! I know that life is always going to have its downs and throw curveballs at me, but I so desparately want a break. A big, fat break.

But, I know that's not a possibility and life goes on. I have to address the finances and the patience and the medical bills and air conditioner that went out at the worst possible time. I have to address that and so much MORE. Thankfully, I have an amazing support system in my fiancé and my family, and no matter how bad my day is or how down I am about things, they always know how to make me smile, if even for only a minute.

I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to hold my head up and keep marching on, as I've done before and know I need to do now. But I'm struggling. I mean, how much crying can one girl really do?


Monday, August 01, 2016

me | july



July was pretty damn good to me!

The highs:

  • My first visit to Texas since moving to South Carolina. 
  • I GOT ENGAGED!!
  • We took a trip to Virginia and LOVED the water park. 
  • My parents visited me on the east coast - and they're still here! 
  • I chose and ordered my wedding dress! 

The lows: 

  • The stomach bug hit me pretty hard. Ugh. 
  • I didn't blog near as much as I hoped/wanted to! 
  • Some frustrating work days. 

It's pretty obvious that the good days outweighed the bad ones. And for that, I'm so thankful! I mean, if those are the only lows I had, I'll take it! It was nice to have a really good month after so much new and uncertainty the previous months - with moving and a new job and everything. 

CURRENTLY

loving. My engagement ring. *insert heart-eye emoji* 
contemplating. What to get Cory for his birthday, but I finally have a good idea! Fingers crossed. 
smelling. The remains of my candle. It smells oh-so-good, but sadly it's reached its end. On to the next scent! 
reading. I just finished Spying in High Heels and am ready for the next book! It feels great to get back into reading again after taking a bit of a hiatus. 
deciding. What to cook for lunches this week. 
learning. How to adjust to the million different functions at work. I'm getting there, slowly, but there are definitely a few aspects I want (and need) to improve on. 
watching. The Big Bang Theory reruns. They just don't get old! And they're hilarious. 
writing. Blog posts. Finally!
hating. That weekends are only two days. Honestly, why can't we just change workweeks to four days and allow everyone to have a three-day weekend every single weekend? I'm pretty sure it would raise morale across the country. Let's get on that, 'kay? 
listening. I've been listening to a lot of Audible lately.
craving. Pizza! It's been a while. 
planning. My wedding. Duh :). 
needing. Money. Weddings aren't cheap! Haha.
dreading. This work week. *sigh* 
wanting. More hours in a day. Please?? There's just so much to do!
reminiscing. About this past weekend with my parents. I am so thankful for them coming to visit me for a few days!!! And I'm cherishing every minute. 
eating. Banana chips.
drinking. Lemon flavored sparkling water. It's my new favorite addiction - and one that's actually good for me! WINNING. 
swooning over. My new bullet journal! *I'll talk more about that soon.* 
feeling. Fat. I haven't been eating well the past few weeks and I really want to lose weight - so that's not helping. Although, I fit into way smaller dresses than I thought I would this past weekend while wedding dress shopping, and that made me feel AMAZING! So there's that. 
working on. Our guest list. Eating better. Becoming a morning person. Consistency. The list goes on.
hoping. For stability, and soon. In so many areas.
looking forward to. Vacation this weekend!! Bring.it.on.


Lord, thank you for all that you've blessed me with, including the bad days. I am reminded time and time again of Your glory and how truly blessed I am. I pray for patience and for stability in the upcoming month and ask that You continue to look after me and my family. This adjustment phase has been difficult in more ways than one, but You know the strength we have to make it through. I also pray for calm and understanding as we continue to communicate in different ways, which is oh so frustrating! Thank you, Lord, for Your grand plans. In Your name I pray, Amen. 


Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Wedding Update: Patience

Patience is something I've always struggled with. It's just a part of my very core and something I have had to accept. I can work on it, sure, but it'll never go away. I'll never be considered a patient person, by any means. 

Having to wait for my engagement ring to come in from being resized has been like pure torture, you know, for a girl who just got proposed to out of the blue and with the biggest and most beautiful diamond ring she's ever seen! Oh, and she had to part with it less than twenty-four hours after getting it. It sure would've been nice to have gotten it sized correctly in the first place *cough, Cory, cough*. But I've definitely been tested these past 2+ weeks while waiting for it!

The first week flew by and was pretty easy, but this past week was much harder. By last Friday, I was so over waiting and just wanted it! I know there are more important things in the world and I shouldn't be so focused on materialistic things. But dang it, it's beautiful and I'm super happy, and it's frustrating sharing such exciting news with people only to have them ask, "Well let's see the ring!" and to have to let them down by saying it's being re-sized.  But supposedly (God willing), today's the day! It's supposed to be in today, so fingers crossed that I'll be picking up that beauty after work. 

Wedding planning has been super stressful up to this point, and it's only been a few weeks! But the major details, you know, like the when and where, have to be decided early on. And when you want things a certain way, your time frame becomes limited. Very limited. And then you have to make sure the people you want in the wedding are available for the date you picked...it's never ending. But that's what happens when you're not planning a super long engagement. 

I'm engaged. Holy wow - that's still sinking in, I think. 
 
Trying to settle on an official date for the wedding has been the hardest point so far. Did we want indoor? Outdoor? This year? Next year? Where? How? 

source
The questions were endless! And in the midst of what Cory and I wanted, we had to wait to hear back from like 10 people to see if one date would work. That waiting was hard, because honestly, all I wanted to do was officially have a date for our wedding. OUR WEDDING! But I couldn't - it wasn't that easy. On several occasions, I had to wait days for an answer. And that answer was usually, "That date won't work." *le sigh* 

I'm still nervous that the date we have set (for now, anyway) will eventually be rejected due to some unknown reason randomly coming up and someone not being available...or something like that. BUT, I'm confident that things are off to a great start! The wedding planning is moving forward and we're getting through our to-do list little by little. 

Here's to hoping my patience levels will increase little by little during this wedding planning process! Hey, a girl can dream, right?