Oh God...

**This is part four of my story. See also: part one, two, and three.**


My faith was tested.

That's probably the understatement of the year! How could I trust that God was in control of all of this?! This was a disaster! Here I was, thinking that our marriage was good, my life was so amazing: great friends, an amazing husband, a supporting and loving family, a fabulous job ... and in the course of a few hours, it was gone. The great, amazing life I thought I was living was taken from me. The future we planned together: shattered. The dreams I had for our little family: dust. The security I felt in our home and our marriage: lost.

I surely thought that God didn't want this for me. How could He?! I, this child of God, was lost. I was confused. I was hurt. I was angry. I was devastated. I was petrified. I was scared. I am still these things.

The shock of the situation wore off within a few weeks, and I prayed. I prayed for God to show me that this was His will. I prayed for answers and for peace during such a tumultuous time. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I prayed for understanding and hope. I prayed for faithfulness so that I stayed true to God's Word and did not waiver. I prayed to my loving, understanding, and unfailing God. Although I questioned my Savior and Redeemer, I knew that this was in His plan. I knew that I had to trust Him, that He would not lead me astray. 


And God answered. He told me to lean on my family, that they would be the strength that I needed. He reminded me to lean on Him, that this was a time to strengthen my faith. He told me that I was going to be okay at the end of all of this. And not only okay, but better. Although I don't know how this is all going to work out in the end, I do know that I have an amazing God to guide me each and every day. I know that this is not the end all, be all. I also know that I will stumble, that this road is not an easy one. Today, I know this. Tomorrow, I may question it, but that's okay. God knows my heart and knows I'm trying to heal. I'm not even THROUGH this yet, not even close, but He is carrying me.

Does that mean I'm great and will be perfectly fine each and every day? Absolutely not. I'm going to break down. I'm going to continue to cry. I'm going to cry out to God and ask Him why, probably a million more times before it's all said and done. I'm going to be confused. I'm going to struggle.

My best friend, my lover, my husband, my number one fan is gone. The trust is gone. The security is gone. The marriage is gone, even if not yet "legally". I don't understand why any of this is happening. I don't understand what is to come of this or how I'm going to get through it. I just don't understand. But the beauty of it is that I don't have to. God's got me.


God is also funny. Remember that 'fabulous job' I mentioned briefly earlier? Until this happened to me, I didn't know just how fabulous it was. And it's not the job I'm talking about...it's my coworkers.

I work in a legal department of only 7 people.

6 of us are active, loving, CHRISTIANS.

That's not a coincidence! God has placed people in my path to support me because He knew what was coming. He knew that my faith would be tested and that I'd need daily encouragement and spiritual guidance to not stray from Him. I'm unbelievably close with my coworkers, and I don't even consider them 'coworkers'. They're my friends. They're also helping me through this in ways I couldn't have even fathomed. These people, I love.

God knows what He's doing. And it's in that, that I find comfort. He knows what my future truly holds. He knows what I need and who I need.

To continue reading, head here for the label "mystory". 


3 comments

Karla FNW said...

<3 So glad you find so much strength in Him. And I'm glad your family and your coworkers have been such a support for you. <3

Jen said...

Don't feel guilty for asking God "Why?" or any of that. It's perfectly ok to express your emotions and confusion to Him. God loves us, teary and snotty, blotchy-faced with mussed hair... we don't have to be pristine before Him.

Holly said...

I believe that God has greater plans for you. He knows exactly what you can and can't handle. I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

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