Tuesday, June 10, 2014

What?

**This is part two of my story. See part one here.**


I'm not going to go into every single detail that is involved in what happened next, as a big part of this is his story, not mine. It's all entangled, but this...THIS is for me. However, I do want to remember that day and those following for the rest of eternity. I never want to forget the words, the pain, the agony. I'll explain why, later.

So, I leaned on my family, hard. I took some time for myself, mostly to process what was happening and wait for the shock to wear off. It just came out of nowhere! Every single person that was told what was happening was shocked just as much as I was: my family, his family, everyone. I wanted to go to counseling. I wanted answers. I had no idea why he would want to destroy our marriage without any explanation or attempt to fix what was supposedly broken. I asked why. We had our share of arguments, sure. But, it was normal, healthy, nothing that was worthy of ending our marriage, at least not to me. 

We ceased communication for a few days to get some space and met up later in the week to discuss what was going on and what we were going to do. I needed answers in a bad, bad way. What had I done to deserve this? Was I not good enough? Was it really so terrible to be my husband? What on earth was so broken that couldn't be fixed? Those were only a few of my questions. I was a hot mess.

We met at a local restaurant on the outside deck after work one evening to talk. We were there for over two hours, and I got my answer.

There was another woman.

Part of me was relieved when I found out there was someone else in his life because it meant that it wasn't something that I did or didn't do. It was him. He had apparently been struggling internally for several months prior to this and didn't communicate about it at all. He had been seeing her for months, and I became angry that I didn't see it. How could I not have seen it?!  He also admitted that he needed to figure out who he was and what he truly wanted out of life. Apparently, it wasn't me.

I struggled with this at first, but I've learned to cut myself some slack. I was working two jobs, plus overtime, plus supporting him through school and so many other things. It was something he had learned to hide so well, and I refuse to feel guilty for that. I'm not saying I'm perfect and had nothing to do with his decision. Of course there were things I could've tried to do better. I could've been better. But I didn't know he was struggling so much. I didn't know things were so, so wrong for him. After talking to family and close friends and loved ones, I decided a separation was best to try to figure out where to go from there. I was still clinging to my marriage and went into prayer mode immediately. Why would God allow for this to happen? Doesn't He want me to be happy? Don't I deserve a healthy, happy, loving, faithful marriage?

I knew that I wanted us to go to marriage counseling to attempt to restore our broken marriage, and he agreed that after a month of being separated and getting our heads on straight, we'd go. So, a month came and went, and I scheduled a counseling session for a Friday afternoon. I was nervous. He was going to be able to see just how much of a mess I was, and I didn't want to be vulnerable in front of him. I was angry! But, I knew it was what our marriage needed and knew that God was asking me to be vulnerable and honest.

Counseling never happened. I received a text from him the day before saying he wouldn't be attending because it wasn't going to fix or change anything. So, at this point, not only was my heart shattered into a million different pieces since that first night, he was now stomping on each and every piece, ensuring that my heart would never be whole again. He wasn't even willing to try. He was done.

My husband cheated on me. My husband has a girlfriend.

To continue reading, head here for the label "mystory". 


Jen said...

My sister's ex-husband refused counseling,too. Or he went, but his mind was made up and he had a list of blame ready every time. He tried to cover up his affairs by saying things like "she never keeps the house as clean as I want." (while refusing to help do any of the work if that's what he REALLY had an issue with), or "She doesn't get dressed/fix her hair/look nice for me anymore." (while raising a one-year-old and recovering from the birth of their baby daughter, and STILL not doing anything to help with the kids or give her some free time to go to the gym). The bottom line was, he knew he was in the wrong, knew what he was doing was wrong, and he just didn't care. He was hell-bent on being selfish and getting his way and was going to be as mean as he had to be in order to hurt her enough to make her want to let him go. She prayed, went to counseling, agonized, read self-help and devotional books. She did everything she could to cling to her marriage and her beliefs. I'm sure you're going through something similar and know all about how awful all of that feels. It's not fair, but keeping someone that doesn't want you or all of the things you've done for him isn't fair to you, either. Yes, all of the books will tell you men feel neglected, rather than grateful, when we're knocking ourselves out for them. It sucks. And hindsight is always 20-20, and all of that, but if you had it to do all over again, would you really have done that much differently? I could tell from your other blog how much you loved him, how hard you worked, etc... I don't think you did anything wrong. I had my suspicions when you mentioned he "lost" his wedding ring. He doesn't know how good he had it. He's going to have to grow up and see what it's like to be a real adult in the real world. Plus, according to my sister's counselor "Men always cheat down", meaning she's not as great as you in anyway. Plus, if she's the kind of girl that would steal an unavailable man, she'll move on and do it again. It's all about the conquest for her. Now that she's achieved her goal, she'll get bored with him and turn to the next challenge. You may not ever know or hear it, but someday he will realize what a fool he has been. Give him enough rope.

I was thinking about you yesterday and the lyrics from JoDee Messina's "No Time for Tears" kept running through my mind. Look it up if you're not familiar.

((Hugs))

Allison @ Texas Mrs. said...

I just can't.... I can't even BEGIN to imagine how hard of a situation this is. Because, when I start to imagine it, I get teary eyed. I want you to know that I am honestly going to pray for you every single day. I mean that.

Haley said...

Oh Brianna, I would never have guessed this. I guess you too, huh.. Wow. I'm shocked and I feel for you, girl. Like I said on your last post; your family is there and that's such a good thing. I'm not very religious but I do think that God does want you to be happy. I think He thinks you deserve the best and that is why this is all happening NOW. So you can be happy LATER.. You two weren't meant to be and that's that. I'm sorry, hon. Stay strong. I'm glad you have this blog to share your true feelings on.

Karla FNW said...

=( My heart hurts reading this. I'm sure yours hurt writing this. But again, I'm glad you have this as an outlet. I admire your strength. So so much. Praying for you, love. =)

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