Anger is a beast of its own. There's nothing quite like it, not exactly. It rages up in my chest wanting its roar to be heard like a lion. It courses through my veins until I want to snap, yelling and wailing. It doesn't care who it hurts or how it happens. It's there, and it's scary.
I had a heaping dose of anger last week when I received a particular phone call: the auto shop my car was sitting at after my car accident recently. We were waiting on the insurance agency to send a rep out and evaluate the damage and the shop to get an estimate and a game plan on fixing the damage.
He started on a positive note, informing me that the rep had just left his office after inspecting the vehicle. And then, the crashing waves of his next sentence hit me like a ton of bricks, the anger rising in my chest: they totalled your car. I couldn't help it, the anger. It was there and I just wanted to cry. It was another obstacle for me to face this year, as if what I've already been through hasn't been hell or even enough. There's no judge on that. God allows for things to happen and knows what's going to happen at all times. And it's true, it's how we react to situations that shows our true character. Well, that day, my character showed some major flaws. I was downright angry: at myself, at the insurance company, at myself, at the rain that night, at God, at myself, at myself, at myself...see the pattern? For so many reasons, I was angry with myself. The "what-ifs" eating at my soul. What if I had headed home sooner, before it started raining? What if I didn't try to miss the car in front of me...would it had been less damaging? What if I just stayed home that night instead of going out? What if... What if... What if...
Wait, let's go back to what I said before the what if's...hadn't I already been through enough this year?! That's when the anger rose to a completely higher level. A scary level that I was afraid would stick around for days on days. I was truly mad at God. This year has been hard, to say the least. My husband ripping my heart out, the divorce process, the emotions that come with all of that, finally moving forward, and now losing my car in what seemed to be a minor accident. Why me?! So.much.anger.
Amidst the anger swelling in my soul, I was reminded, once again, of God's grace, mercy, and protection. Yes, my car was totalled. But instead of being angry with God for very long, I took a deep breath and knew that He saved me. An accident that totalled my car with damage including a broken transmission, bent oil pan, busted suspension and three completely damaged wheel wells did not result in serious injury. In fact, I was simply sore from impact and had a bruised arm. Although my arm was pretty painful for about a week, it was nothing serious - not even broken! God was very much with me that day, protecting me from serious harm, as He does on the daily. He calmed His child and reminded me that I have friends and family to lean on in times of strife, and this time was no different. I took my anger to those that I loved and vented, and then was put in my place time and time again, rightfully so.
God calmed my heart and showed me His unconditional love. And I am in awe once again. Me, this sinner, was once again blessed by our Savior. I am not worthy, it's true, but He loves me and will never leave nor forsake me. For it is written:
Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.
God is always with me, even when I'm angry with Him. When I doubt Him and abandon Him, He waits for His child to return. And return I will...countless times over, because He is my Lord and Savior, and through Him, I can do it all.