Monday, October 20, 2014

I'm Scared

There are lots of things that I'm afraid of in this life...

spiders, snakes, all things creepy-crawly, suffering physically, the dark, the current economy, things that go bump in the night, being alone in a huge house, being robbed, war, never finding a 'routine' for my life, failure, losing loved ones, people not liking me, fuzzy slippers, never being happy, politicians, not completing my 30 before 30 list, being hurt by someone I love, the monster that lives under my bed, my home never looking like Pinterest, never finding my gift, not having enough blog post ideas, people having free will, running out of post-it notes, never being confident in my personal Bible study, divorce, running out of chapstick, being wrong, black cats, losing my job, being alone, my phone dying and not having my charger, having to work two jobs forever, my DVR not recording my Thursday night TV shows, never reaching 200 pageviews per day on this here blog, Channing Tatum never falling in love with me, running out of books to read, not finding someone to experience life with that shares my passion for Christ, not being enough, gaining a lot of weight, leggings going out of style, the inevitable Grey's Anatomy final season (although I think Shonda can make it last forever), social media continuing to take over our lives, needles, leftovers that have been in the fridge for more than two weeks, my electric bill...

You know, normal things that all people are afraid of, right?? :)

But my biggest fear is the unknown (although, never having Channing Tatum fall in love with me is a super close second). In everything, it's what always gets to me, every.single.time. I don't like not knowing; I don't like not being in control. Am I going to be successful? Am I going to settle down with someone again? Am I going to open up enough to let someone fully know my whole heart again? Am I ever going to experience motherhood? Am I enough? Will I ever be confident in my Bible studies and my faith? Am I going to be truly, wholly happy? Will I experience a love that I've never felt before? Will people look up to me? Will I make a difference?

Not knowing the answer to those questions and more, that's what scares me the most. I'm usually okay with the little things, like whether or not it'll rain today or if I'm going to get stuck in traffic or not (although, traffic is just terrible, no matter what). But the big things? The monumental things? Not knowing those is hard. It makes me worry. It causes me to stress. It makes me second guess myself and causes me to make timid decisions. Big, life changing decisions? No thank you! How am I supposed to know it'll all work out? How will I know if it'll be okay one way or the other?

Although this is my biggest fear, it's lessening and lessening over time (can I get an Amen?!). Because it is my biggest fear, I have my biggest support taking care of it and handling it at all times - God. I fear the unknown, but who already knows what my life holds? God. Who can guide me along the way in making right decisions? God. Who has a plan for my life already? God. He knew I'd be getting divorced this year. He knew that I'd need a strong support system. He put people and things in place to brace me for the impact that these past 7 months have been. I may not have all the answers, but God does. And in that, I find comfort and peace. Knowing Him further is helping to alleviate my fear. I don't know what's going to happen next, but I trust in Him and know that whatever it may be, it's going to be nothing short of amazing. Because my God is amazing and I strive to live my life for Him day after day.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. 
Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take. 
Proverbs 3:5-6

This Scripture is one that I constantly think about and mull over. If I'm ever going to completely get over this fear, this is the verse that will get me through. It reminds me that the Lord is in control, and I shouldn't try to butt in and mess up all of His plans for me! If my life were truly in my hands, I'd be terrified. If I thought I was a hot mess now, I could only imagine the chaos it would be if God wasn't in control.

Little by little, I'm relinquishing the need to be in control. I'm surrendering my all to God, knowing that His will is what's best for me, and He is who I seek to follow.

What is your biggest fear? How do you work on getting past it?


The Daily Tay
Participating in #Blogtober14 with Helene in Between and The Daily Tay! Today's prompt: YOUR BIGGEST FEAR

Musings of a Wanderer said...

Here's to hoping that Greys Anatomy will never end!

Allison @ Texas Mrs. said...

I can relate to a LOT of your fears. Especially the unknown. I try to relax my fears by knowing that God has a plan, but sometimes it is tough. I am totally with you on that one!

Anonymous said...

I'll always have faith in you. You're stronger then you'll ever know. Fears should fear you!
-?

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