Today: Thoughts. Feelings. Emotions. [an update]

My heart hurts. Yesterday's post had me thinking about when I first started blogging, which brought me back to my old blog, which brought up so many memories. The weekend updates, the lovey dovey 'my husband is amazing' posts, quality time with his family, with my family, plans for our future, Ace adventures, and so much more. And I cried. Not full on, heart wrenching, uncontrollable sobbing, but deep, aching, sadness inducing tears.

I was reminded of our life together. It brought back so many good memories, being newlyweds and figuring out our new life together with a puppy and a place of our own. And then, the reality of my situation came crashing down on my like a ton of bricks. He cheated on me. For a good portion of those blog posts and 'amazing' weekends, he was lying to me. He was stepping outside of the bounds of our commitment to each other in front of God and was being unfaithful. And then I got angry. He led me to believe that things were great with us and our marriage - that we were working through the ups and downs of life together. It made me angry because I was made a fool of. I was doing everything in my power to try to have a happy and healthy marriage. I even thought out of the box to come up with a creative Valentine's Day gift to him (14 days of love using his love language) in which I thought he was truly enjoying. Little did I know that 16 days after that post, my world would come crashing down. It was all a big, fat lie creeping up to the surface of my supposed fairy tale life with my husband. Just thinking about it makes me want to hurl.

I thought I was over the anger that I had due to this whole divorce thing, but it's still there - deep down, but there nonetheless. I absolutely hate being lied to, and he was entangled in the biggest lie of his or my life: he didn't love me and cheated on me for months. And looking back over the quote, unquote "scrapbook" of our lives together for the first two and a half years of marriage, my heart hurts. The memories and happy moments are tarnished, but part of me misses it. Part of me misses the happiness that marriage brings - the bond of two people committed to each other in the deepest way possible. Part of me misses Ace the most, and when I happen upon a picture of him, my heart pounds in my chest and the tears press against the creases of my eyes. I pray that he is happy and okay and with owners that love him to pieces. I absolutely, 100% miss Ace and his puppy snuggles. He brought joy to my heart and always made me feel loved and needed. That dog was amazing, and I really hope he's in a good home. The unknown of that sometimes tortures me.

I hope and pray that one day, I will be able to look back on those memories without the anger and sadness that I feel today. I hope that I will have a new "scrapbook" that this new blog holds of a happier, more loving life. I hope that I will one day have a real marriage full of love and happiness like I've never known. Because if I thought what I had was true love and the real deal, then I can only imagine the profound feelings I am going to have when the real thing does come along. But today, it hurts. Today, I'm reminded of the happiness I thought my life was when I was being lied to and tormented with unfaithfulness. Today, I'm angry and upset that I no longer have my dog to come home to. Today, it's all unbelievably overwhelming.

In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have gone through my old blog just yet, especially with the importance of what today is. Stupid, Bri. What a dumb decision on my part! But in reality, today is a day that I've been having mixed feelings about. I've been super anxious for it to arrive and dreading it all at the same time. Of course I wanted it to happen and NEEDED it to happen, but actually having to go through it all has been hell, to be honest. It's put me through an emotional tornado that I wanted nothing to do with. Today, we finalized our divorce. Today, the papers were signed and the judge ordered the decree. Today, I can officially move on with my life and leave this chapter behind, if that's at all possible. I know my first marriage will always be a part of who I am and of the person I will become, but I really want to put it behind me as much as I can. I want to continue moving on and finding happiness. And today, I can breathe because it's done. All of it is done. The only thing left to do now is to change my name on everything in my entire life, but it's official. I no longer am legally obligated or tied to my ex-husband. Wow, I have an ex-husband. That's a sentence I never thought I'd say. But then again, none of this is how I thought my life would go. And it breaks my heart a little bit more.

So, here's to closing that chapter in my life and continuing to move on. Here's to finding happiness and love like I've never done before. Here's to living life for me and finding myself amidst the chaos that has been my life as of late. Here's to my future and whatever it may hold. And I'm asking that you please pray for me, that I can truly heal from the pain and anguish that I've had in my heart and find joy. Pray that I will turn this into something positive. Because honestly, I pray for that too, as I'm scared that I won't.

Today, I got divorced.


3 comments

Melissa Hopper said...

Divorce can be hard but look at the bright side. Your soul-mate is still our there and you will once again blog about all the amazing things! There is still a ton of time for happiness.

Jen said...

It's going to continue to hurt and take you by surprise for a very long time. This in no-way compares, but when I was much younger, with pretty much my first boyfriend ever, and the one who lasted the longest (until I met the one I eventually married) and to whom I compared everyone who came after- I loved him for a long time even after he dumped me for someone else and I figured out that he was cheating on me through some of our time together. Yes, high school drama and romance, and, like I said, it in no way can compare to what you're going through, but my point is... it took me TEN YEARS to let go of those hopes and dreams, the ones I'd allowed myself to have with him. TEN YEARS to realize that he was really not the person I thought he was. I spent TEN YEARS hanging on to the grief and the loss. I don't take chances on people very often, which made it all the more difficult. TEN YEARS to let go of all of that and realize that he never really was who or what I thought he was. Not only that but we had shared a group of mutual friends whom all knew more about the whole mess than I did. People I grew up with, whom I'd known since I was born, who apparently didn't know me that well at all. Grief takes time. Letting go of the loss of those dreams is painful and takes even more time. To me, that's the hardest part, the loss of those dreams. Not the betrayal, or the sadness, or the missing the other person... Letting go of the old dreams and learning to make new ones, and allowing yourself to even look forward to new dreams... It's really scary.

I've been thinking about your old blog a lot in recent weeks, and I cringe for you every time I do, and send up a quick prayer, because I know you put all those hopes and dreams out there, and that encountering them will be painful for you.

If I could add one positive thing, it would be this: If you miss Ace, and you have the time, check into Austin Pets Alive! They have a program where volunteers can come out and walk the dogs that are in their care. It might help you to know you are doing some good and helping better the future for a dog who is waiting for their person. You give them much-needed exercise and socialization, which helps their cause greatly. There's even a program where you can borrow a dog to walk or run with around Town Lake on weekends. You never know, sharing love you have for Ace with another dog in need in his place might help fill that void for you.

Laura-Hyde said...

I know this post is oldish and I hope the notification of my comment doesn't upset you, but I couldn't just read and run. I've found my way to your blog from my dear friend Kelly's and I just wanted to let you know that I am sending healing and happy vibes your way and I hope that life is treating you well. xx

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