My heart hurts. Yesterday's post had me thinking about when I first started blogging, which brought me back to my old blog, which brought up so many memories. The weekend updates, the lovey dovey 'my husband is amazing' posts, quality time with his family, with my family, plans for our future, Ace adventures, and so much more. And I cried. Not full on, heart wrenching, uncontrollable sobbing, but deep, aching, sadness inducing tears.
I was reminded of our life together. It brought back so many good memories, being newlyweds and figuring out our new life together with a puppy and a place of our own. And then, the reality of my situation came crashing down on my like a ton of bricks. He cheated on me. For a good portion of those blog posts and 'amazing' weekends, he was lying to me. He was stepping outside of the bounds of our commitment to each other in front of God and was being unfaithful. And then I got angry. He led me to believe that things were great with us and our marriage - that we were working through the ups and downs of life together. It made me angry because I was made a fool of. I was doing everything in my power to try to have a happy and healthy marriage. I even thought out of the box to come up with a creative Valentine's Day gift to him (14 days of love using his love language) in which I thought he was truly enjoying. Little did I know that 16 days after that post, my world would come crashing down. It was all a big, fat lie creeping up to the surface of my supposed fairy tale life with my husband. Just thinking about it makes me want to hurl.
I thought I was over the anger that I had due to this whole divorce thing, but it's still there - deep down, but there nonetheless. I absolutely hate being lied to, and he was entangled in the biggest lie of his or my life: he didn't love me and cheated on me for months. And looking back over the quote, unquote "scrapbook" of our lives together for the first two and a half years of marriage, my heart hurts. The memories and happy moments are tarnished, but part of me misses it. Part of me misses the happiness that marriage brings - the bond of two people committed to each other in the deepest way possible. Part of me misses Ace the most, and when I happen upon a picture of him, my heart pounds in my chest and the tears press against the creases of my eyes. I pray that he is happy and okay and with owners that love him to pieces. I absolutely, 100% miss Ace and his puppy snuggles. He brought joy to my heart and always made me feel loved and needed. That dog was amazing, and I really hope he's in a good home. The unknown of that sometimes tortures me.
I hope and pray that one day, I will be able to look back on those memories without the anger and sadness that I feel today. I hope that I will have a new "scrapbook" that this new blog holds of a happier, more loving life. I hope that I will one day have a real marriage full of love and happiness like I've never known. Because if I thought what I had was true love and the real deal, then I can only imagine the profound feelings I am going to have when the real thing does come along. But today, it hurts. Today, I'm reminded of the happiness I thought my life was when I was being lied to and tormented with unfaithfulness. Today, I'm angry and upset that I no longer have my dog to come home to. Today, it's all unbelievably overwhelming.
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have gone through my old blog just yet, especially with the importance of what today is. Stupid, Bri. What a dumb decision on my part! But in reality, today is a day that I've been having mixed feelings about. I've been super anxious for it to arrive and dreading it all at the same time. Of course I wanted it to happen and NEEDED it to happen, but actually having to go through it all has been hell, to be honest. It's put me through an emotional tornado that I wanted nothing to do with. Today, we finalized our divorce. Today, the papers were signed and the judge ordered the decree. Today, I can officially move on with my life and leave this chapter behind, if that's at all possible. I know my first marriage will always be a part of who I am and of the person I will become, but I really want to put it behind me as much as I can. I want to continue moving on and finding happiness. And today, I can breathe because it's done. All of it is done. The only thing left to do now is to change my name on everything in my entire life, but it's official. I no longer am legally obligated or tied to my ex-husband. Wow, I have an ex-husband. That's a sentence I never thought I'd say. But then again, none of this is how I thought my life would go. And it breaks my heart a little bit more.
So, here's to closing that chapter in my life and continuing to move on. Here's to finding happiness and love like I've never done before. Here's to living life for me and finding myself amidst the chaos that has been my life as of late. Here's to my future and whatever it may hold. And I'm asking that you please pray for me, that I can truly heal from the pain and anguish that I've had in my heart and find joy. Pray that I will turn this into something positive. Because honestly, I pray for that too, as I'm scared that I won't.
Today, I got divorced.