Thursday, November 13, 2014

Coming Up Short

It's just one of those phases that I seem to go through every so often. I get down on myself about my finances and life choices and decisions. I mean, it's not like I'm screwing anything up. Sometimes though, the weight of some burdens feel heavier to carry, and I feel my knees start to buckle. My ankles are giving out and I just want to collapse.

Financially, I struggle. Back when I was married (only 9 short months ago), we struggled. But we had gotten to such a good place that we could actually afford date nights here and there, and our savings account was looking better and better. I finally felt like I could breathe and not have a huge financial emergency screw everything up. And then, it was gone. In one big swoop, all of that hard work had disappeared.


Since the divorce, I've had to start over, and it's hard. I feel like I'm fighting a battle that I had already fought and won, or was winning. And the hits keep coming. As soon as my budget is looking better and things seem to be looking up, I make a decision, totally justified and reasonable/affordable, and then I regret it because something else comes up and the money is already gone. I work two jobs plus overtime and can barely afford to pay my bills. It's no secret. I'm not hiding behind false pretenses. I just feel like I keep coming up short.

I'm living off of favor. God has provided for me over and over again, and I am so unbelievably thankful. Just when I thought overtime was done, it was approved for a few more months. Just when I thought I'd have to admit defeat and ask for help, a random check for something would show up in the mail, and all would be okay again. For a little while anyway.

I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels, running myself ragged with working 62 hour weeks, and I'm not getting anywhere. The debt is still there. The struggle is still very much real. The savings account is still filled with cobwebs. And I'm running out of steam. How much longer will this go on? Will it ever get any better? What if it gets worse? What will I do then? Will I be able to breathe again someday and make financial choices that I won't regret a week later?


I'm tired. I'm physically exhausted. I'm tired of being scared of money. I'm tired of coming up short. Isn't it about time for a nap already?


Patty said...

I hear ya, girl...debt sucks!! We're slowly chopping away at ours too...

Meagan said...

I have SO been there. It's tough, but it will make you appreciate the things you have. Hard work is never ignored, things will work out before you know it!

Jen said...

I hear ya! I gave up a great job, that I loved- the best job I've ever had, so that my husband could move us across the state for the job offer of his dreams... that was in July and I STILL don't have enough work and have had difficulty finding it. I used to make $1,000/month and was able to buy all of our groceries and pet supplies and pay the vet bills and do the holiday/birthday shopping. Right now, I'm only making $250/month! It's barely groceries and pet food. Gone are the luxuries I'd only just finally been able to afford. I, too, finally felt comfortable again and able to breathe, able to buy the occasional item "for me, just because I want it". I HATE THIS! Finding a job up here has not been easy. And to top it all off, his job, it turns out, isn't that ideal, and all I hear from him is "I don't want to do this, anymore..."

I am the WRONG person to say that to. I did not give up my whole life, the one I'd finally gotten to have that took me 6 years to build, to come up here for someone who suddenly no longer wants to be here. I did not come up here for him to turn around and quit as soon as the terms of the job contracts are over. Once again, he has wasted my time and negated my efforts. It was bad enough I had to sell MY car to support us, the last time he got a career whim. All for nothing, because he never actually achieved the paper degree from "going back to school". So now I have no car, and he has no grad school diploma to show for my efforts. I know that's the wrong way to look at things, but that's how it feels to me- all of my sacrifices thrown back in my face whenever he decides he's not happy.

Men.

Jen said...

I forgot to add that I, too, have been blessed with favors from friends a time or three, thus far. As you said, always in the nick of time, and very much appreciated. But I can totally relate to how tired/frustrated you are! We will get through this!

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