Besides that, I had to get used to living alone again. No husband, no dog. Just me and my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my craziness. And let me just say, the silence was deafening for a long, long time. I tried filling it with different things, but the emptiness was still there. I struggled to find a new normal, to make my home cozy and warm and somewhere I really, truly wanted to be and be okay being there all alone. And eventually, I did, but boy did I struggle.
Part of getting used to being alone was cooking and eating. I wasn't used to only feeding myself, so I wasted a ton of food that I bought and couldn't get around to eating or drinking before it expired. I didn't have a routine of when I'd eat or what I'd eat. And most of all, I really hated cooking for only myself. I felt it was wasted effort and time. It was much easier to just grab a frozen dinner and pop it in the microwave for a few minutes, eat, and throw it away. No dishes, no hassle, no fuss. I felt like it made it easier, but what I really learned was that it made it harder on myself. I've slowly learned to enjoy cooking again and how to balance buying groceries and planning meals so that I don't waste food. Those quick, no fuss dinners also weren't very healthy. I'm not one of those people that just stops eating when I'm depressed or upset. I eat my feelings. All of my feelings. So, in the darkest moments of my life, I turned to food for solace. It's strange that so much food got wasted when I felt as if I was doing nothing but eating. But, that's how it all went down, and I'm so thankful to be past that point. Now, I plan meals and shop for groceries weekly. It's what works for me and I'm running with it. Although I'll still sometimes struggle with sticking to the plan I make for myself. It's definitely a work in progress!
And then there's everyone else in the world that kept living their lives and enjoying milestones while I wallowed in sadness, hatred, and self-pity. Engagements, birth announcements, weddings, home buying. It all just sent me spiraling back to my dark place as all of my dreams of beginning a family and buying a home were obliterated. Of course I was happy for those who were experiencing it all. They surely deserved it! But it made it that much more obvious of where my life was and how things were turning out for me. Let me just say, they weren't. I cringed at every Facebook status, blog post, and tweet about a new baby or a new ring. I just couldn't handle it. It's what I wanted so badly for so long! But it wasn't meant to be for me. Not just yet. And that was definitely a hard pill to swallow. It's still working its way down to this day.
What I've learned most of all, is that there's really nothing easy about starting over.