I crave it - I want it so badly, for everything to be in its place and have a nice flow to anything and everything. But that's not what's actually been happening. Lately, I've been out of order.
I strive for my lists to be orderly and have a structure to them. I have books on books to read, but for some reason, I feel there needs to be a method to the madness, some sort of order to be read in. I feel like my blog posts should be orderly and make sense with some sort of flow or consistency to them. And don't even get me started with my journaling. I've started and stopped about 4 or 5 journals in the past 6 months because I felt each should have its own purpose: bible study in one, prayers in another, life reflections/random thoughts in another, and so on.
Since this is something I've really been noticing in the last 30 days or so, I justified it by still not being settled in my new environment - that things aren't necessarily where they need to be. Some things still don't have a home, so my dresser is piled with a random assortment of things. There's no routine or structure yet, so I felt okay with feeling out of order and out of balance. It would come, in time. I just continued to live in a bit of chaos and unbalance.
But then I really thought about it, and blaming it on my recent move is seriously ridiculous. It's me lying to myself, actually.
Stop the madness.
With my constant need for anything and everything to be orderly, I've been failing myself a lot lately. The books I want to read continue to sit untouched on a shelf, Bible study has been put on the back burner because I feel there should be an order to read it in, journals remain unfinished, and lists don't get completed. It's madness. For real. I'm even failing the little goals I set for myself.
Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I have such a desire for this thing called order?! What's the deal??
I've been praying over this issue and already feel better. I've already gotten some answers, and I have more peace about it than I ever have before. I have to LET GO of the order. It's my need for control. And it has to stop. Now.
I'm not saying it'll be easy or that it has been up to this point. It's hard. It's something I've craved for such a long time, and it's really difficult to let that go. But when I do, when I have in a few small areas just these past few days, I've been happier. I've felt better! And to be honest, it actually feels good to not be in control.
It's true. Letting go of some of that control means I don't have to stress about it - it is what it is. It's something I don't have to constantly worry about. It's one thing less on my to-do list. And it's freeing.
Why do I set such crazy expectations on myself, even in the littlest of things. Hello? Journaling should be stress-free, a stress reliever - not the other way around! I've come to expect order, and it's been painful for quite some time. I'm failing my own expectations, and instead of changing them, I continued to do it. I continued letting myself down and saying that it'd get there some day. Some day, it would all fall into place and just 'click'. There'd be order, no doubt about it.
Boy, was I wrong!
This quote sums it up perfectly. Why on earth should there be an order to reading books for fun?! Simple, there shouldn't. Easy peasy. Just pick up the book you're into at the moment and read. Read until your heart is content and you're completely engrossed in the characters and how their life is changing, evolving. That's what I'm telling myself from here on out - about everything. Just enjoy the things for what they are. Without the order, without the control, without the expectations and chaos. Pick up the book. Write everything in one journal. Open the Bible and just pick a verse. Put the mail in a box. Hang up the clothes. Whatever it is, just let it BE. That's what I want, and that's what I'm starting to do.
Life may be out of order with this new view, but I'll be free - free from myself and my own silly expectations for the little things in life. I'll be happily out of order. In the best of ways. Bring it on.