Wednesday, March 09, 2016

when life is different

My life is honestly nothing like I imagined it would be. Not that it's necessarily a bad thing, it's just...different. It's changing all the time, as am I. I am different. I'm not the same girl I used to be. Life (divorce) changed me.

I knew that when I got divorced, things wouldn't be the same, but I never could've imagined just how different they would be. Yes, I know that none of us really know our future or what/who it holds, but this is more than that. Everything's changed.

I've traveled more than I ever thought possible just in the last year, I know a love like none other, my living situation is one I seriously never even considered as a possibility ever, some things I used to care about I no longer have any interest in, I've let friends go, gained new friendships, and I think I look at the world a little differently now, too. I'm still aware of how precious life is, but I stopped worrying about the little things that honestly don't matter. I used to care what people thought about me or who I impressed or how I looked all the time. But now? I only care what my loved ones think (who support me 100% and voice their concern when they think I'm making a huge mistake), I still care how I dress, especially at work, but not as much as I used to (it's a different, more healthy level), and I don't need or want to impress everyone all the time. I view friendships differently. I hold myself to a completely different standard and am more likely to do what I want or need to do instead of making sure everyone else is happy all the time, sometimes mostly at my own expense.


Although I'm struggling in different ways right now, especially currently dealing with depression, I'm truly happy with where I am. No, I'm not happily married with kids and a house (the American Dream, y'all), but I'm happy regardless. I still want those things, eventually, but I'm enjoying the moments I've been given in my circumstances. And when I do, something else happens and I'm faced with more "new" and life-changing opportunities. Is it scary? Hell yes. Is it nauseating? Sometimes. But is it worth it? Absolutely. It's worth it to figure out the hard stuff and make decisions that could change your life forever. Although it's totally unknown, I'm surprisingly okay with that. I don't know where I'm going to be in 5 years, heck even 6 months from now! Life can change in an instant, and through everything that's been thrown at me these last few years, I'm more open to change than I ever imagined. It's still scary to think about some days, but with my amazing support system behind me, I know that I can make it through the unknown and uncertainty. Sometimes, you've just gotta leap, right?

I honestly sit in amazement and awe some days, just thinking about what's come of the last few years. Thinking about the highs and lows, I'm thankful. Through the tough times, I became stronger. I've learned just what I'm capable of (and am still learning).

When life is different, I reflect.

When life is different, I pray.

When life is different, I change.


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