Monday, March 07, 2016

The Reason

Looking back, February was seriously a difficult month for me.

But I didn't know it at the time. I didn't realize just what I was dealing with or why every single thing I faced seemed so damn HARD. "It's just part of life - it's being an adult," I'd tell myself. "Life throws you curve balls. You know this firsthand and it shouldn't come as such a shock when you're facing the next one." I kept repeating these things to myself over and over and over, especially the last few weeks of the month. It kept me going. It kept me moving forward, at least, doing the bare minimum in every area of my life.

But nothing was actually "wrong". Logically, it didn't make sense. There was no big event that happened that I was struggling to deal with. There was no news or anything like that. So for the longest time, I wasn't even aware of a problem. That is, until one Sunday when I just broke. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to watch TV. I didn't want to do laundry or wash dishes or read or play with the pups or do anything. I didn't want to even think about doing anything. Quite literally. I was annoyed at my existence.

And then, it "clicked". All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I suddenly realized the familiarity of what I had been feeling/not feeling. Depression.

source
Once I knew what I was dealing with, I thought that it would help me push past it. I thought I would be able to acknowledge when something was because of the depression and I could just move on and let that go. But I quickly learned that was getting me nowhere. I was forgetting things and my brain was a little bit out of control. Because of this, I finally sought help and am now feeling so much better! I finally feel like myself again, which is something I take for granted sometimes. It's something I never thought I'd really lose but truly craved when I did.

I've dealt with depression before, in college, and through seeking treatment for it, I learned it had a trigger. But this time? I've still not been able to put my finger on why exactly this has come up. Yes, there have been some big changes in my life and some pretty huge unknowns in my near future, but I honestly felt that I had a grasp on it all. I thought (my first mistake, right? ha) it was all just normal "life" things that everyone deals with. And to some extent, they are. It may be clinical this time, or I may never get an answer as to WHY this came up and I'm working through it now. I've always had anxiety, but depression is a step further than that. But I also learned that if I don't get an answer or figure out what is causing my current depression, I'm okay with that. I'm not going to burden myself further with being obsessed over finding a cause. Instead, I'm focusing on getting better, treating it, and moving forward in a happy and healthy way.

I know this topic isn't one that's talked about very often. It's not one that people like to bring up and discuss. That is, until you're in it, and then it's all you can think about. I'm very thankful that my symptoms are/were mild. I never had any thoughts of hurting myself or doing anything drastic. I just felt like I was in a constant state of needing a vacation from the real world. And by "vacation", I mean laying in bed with Grey's Anatomy on repeat doing literally, absolutely nothing. No responsibilities, nothing or no one to take care of, nothing. And that's a problem. So instead of just not talking about it, I'm choosing to be vulnerable. I'm choosing to open up.

Today, I feel pretty great, and that's a HUGE improvement over last month!


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