I firmly believe this to be true. While I appreciate all of the strong words of advice (and take them to heart, seriously), I also have to do this on my terms and in my own way. I have to know what’s best for me and when it’s best for me. If I need to cry it out one day, I’ll do so. If I need to just smile, be happy, and move forward for a few weeks, I’ll make that happen too.
I know people are worried about me, and I appreciate that 100%. Heck, I’m worried about me too most days! But I’m also strong. I get knocked down and I get right back up. I’ve learned (the hard way) that it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. But for the most part, I am okay. I’m moving forward and moving on, and I don’t see anything wrong with that.
Some people say that the anger lasts for at least a year. That the sadness from such a loss is too hard to bear and will linger for 18 months. The bitterness doesn’t really leave you for 2 years, they say. You should allow yourself to be angry for that long, sad for this long, upset and hurt for so many months, start picking yourself up after this much time has passed, only focus on yourself for at least this many years, so on and so forth. And honestly? It’s exhausting trying to keep up with everyone else’s timelines.
I truly appreciate everyone’s concerns and attempt to help, but again, I’ve got to know what’s best for me. I have to know if I’m over being angry and upset about the situation. I have to know when it’s okay for me to let go of the bitterness and just move on from it. I’m not saying that I have all of the answers, because it’s a fact that I’ll screw up. I mean, how do you really know, without uncertainty, when it’s truly time for you to do each and every step in moving forward from your husband wanting to divorce you? You don’t. And the blessing is that I don’t have to know with such certainty. I just know when it feels like I’m ready. When the time for me to stop carrying the hurt filled my heart and soul, I let it go. When I no longer wanted to be pissed off every second of every day, I stopped being mad. When I was ready to stop blaming God for feeling like He left me and allowed me to be hurt in such an excruciating way by the one person I saw forever with, I no longer blamed him or carried that burden. When I see opportunities for joy and happiness, I take them. I do the little things that bring a smile to my face and a hope to my heart. A hope for my future, of which I no longer have planned out in my mind or any clue what it holds really. I’ll stumble along the way, yes, because I was hurt. I was mislead and lied to repeatedly. But I’ll get over it and will be better because of it. Not everyone is ‘out to get me’, and I’ll find my partner one day. The one that I am meant to spend the rest of my days with and laugh with along the way. I have no doubt about it.
Just because I’m in the middle of being ‘legally divorced’, it doesn’t mean I’m limited in my happiness. Just because it’s not yet official by the state of Texas doesn’t mean I can’t find joy in the little things and seek friendship and laughter in the mean time. It doesn’t mean that I can’t move on. Because I have…I am.
Like Bon Jovi said, “It’s my life. It’s now or never!”
“Better stand tall when they’re calling you out
Don’t bend, don’t break, baby, don’t back down”
So, that’s what I’m doing. I’m doing me the best way that I know how. The way I always have and always will. I’m weathering this storm and it’ll be clear skies again one day. I’m not broken. There may be some cracks here and there, but they’ll mend. I’m not backing down from living my life, because it’s too short for such things. I’m not promised tomorrow, so why would I spend today wallowing in self-pity and anger? Easy answer…I wouldn’t. And I’m not. Sadness is fleeting, and it will probably always be there. But as with any situation in life, I’m going to learn from what I’ve been through. I’ve already learned a great deal and pray that I won’t make the same mistakes again. Will I be cautious in a new suitor? Absolutely! Will I bring new, unique ‘issues’ into a new relationship? Yes, yes I will. It’s inevitable, but I also have learned what it takes in a marriage – in a solid, committed relationship. Because I experienced a failed one firsthand. A marriage is a daily decision by both parties to be loyal and in love. No matter how unhappy, hurt, or lazy they feel that day, you’ve got to make the decision, over and over and over again. And not just one person, but both parties. I’ll make the decision again one day, and until then, I’m going to enjoy my life and live every day to its fullest. I’m choosing joy and happiness, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s my life, and I’m going to live it my way…it’s worked out pretty well for me so far! Through all of the hardships and pain I’ve endured, I’m still a loving daughter, sister, cousin, niece, friend, co-worker. My relationships are all stronger than ever, especially with the Lord. I know what is important to me and what I need from a significant other to be happy and successful.