It’s just one of those phases that I seem to go through every so often. I get down on myself about my finances and life choices and decisions. I mean, it’s not like I’m screwing anything up. Sometimes though, the weight of some burdens feel heavier to carry, and I feel my knees start to buckle. My ankles are giving out and I just want to collapse.
Financially, I struggle. Back when I was married (only 9 short months ago), we struggled. But we had gotten to such a good place that we could actually afford date nights here and there, and our savings account was looking better and better. I finally felt like I could breathe and not have a huge financial emergency screw everything up. And then, it was gone. In one big swoop, all of that hard work had disappeared.
Since the divorce, I’ve had to start over, and it’s hard. I feel like I’m fighting a battle that I had already fought and won, or was winning. And the hits keep coming. As soon as my budget is looking better and things seem to be looking up, I make a decision, totally justified and reasonable/affordable, and then I regret it because something else comes up and the money is already gone. I work two jobs plus overtime and can barely afford to pay my bills. It’s no secret. I’m not hiding behind false pretenses. I just feel like I keep coming up short.
I’m living off of favor. God has provided for me over and over again, and I am so unbelievably thankful. Just when I thought overtime was done, it was approved for a few more months. Just when I thought I’d have to admit defeat and ask for help, a random check for something would show up in the mail, and all would be okay again. For a little while anyway.
I just feel like I’m spinning my wheels, running myself ragged with working 62 hour weeks, and I’m not getting anywhere. The debt is still there. The struggle is still very much real. The savings account is still filled with cobwebs. And I’m running out of steam. How much longer will this go on? Will it ever get any better? What if it gets worse? What will I do then? Will I be able to breathe again someday and make financial choices that I won’t regret a week later?
I’m tired. I’m physically exhausted. I’m tired of being scared of money. I’m tired of coming up short. Isn’t it about time for a nap already?