Hung Up

Recently, I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I’m “hung up on my divorce”. Umm, what? When I ask what they mean by that, their response is that I still talk about it and I can’t seem to just let it go. That bothered me – and it still does. To this very day, it bothers me beyond measure.

Divorce isn’t something you just “get over” or “let go of”. It’s not something that you can or ever will act like didn’t happen to you. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever been through in my entire life, and it’s changed me in so many ways, ways I couldn’t have ever imagined. And here’s the kicker – it’s still changing me.

Divorce changes EVERYTHING. I imagined a forever with the man that I married. I imagined our future together: buying a home, celebrating anniversaries, taking trips and vacations together, having children, raising them, growing old together, and so much more. The day that he told me he wanted a divorce is one that will be ingrained in my soul for forever. That day shattered everything I ever imagined for myself and our future life together. It broke me in ways I never thought I could break. I was lost. I could go on and on and on about divorce, and I do and have from time to time (see DIVORCE). And although my ex-husband and I separated well over a year ago, and I’ve been officially divorced for 10 months, I’m still learning about divorce. I’m still learning who I am without a husband, who I am after such a hurt and heartbreak. I’m still learning what exactly divorce did to me and what kind of fears I bring into a new relationship with another man that I imagine a future with. Like I said, divorce changes everything.

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But just because I still talk about it (WARNING: I have zero intentions to stop talking or blogging about it) doesn’t mean that I’m “hung up” on it. I’m not angry that I got divorced. I’m not sad about it anymore and don’t miss my ex-husband for even a single second. Thankfully, I haven’t for a long, long time – far before our divorce was legally official. God delivered me from so many toxic feelings and emotions that I’m absolutely thankful for every day. I don’t wallow in my divorce, still asking why it happened and how I’m supposed to deal with it and move forward. I don’t wish it away as if it never happened. I don’t pretend to open my eyes and still have the life that I planned for myself. I don’t do any of those things because I’M NOT HUNG UP ON MY DIVORCE. I talk (and blog) about it because it’s now a part of me, it’s part of my story and a huge factor in who I am today and in the future. It’s changed the course of my life and has humbled me in many ways. It’s forced me to look deep inside myself and focus on parts of me that needed attention. It doesn’t just “go away”. I’m not able to just forget that it happened and move on with my life. Okay, I can move on just fine, and I have. I’m happier than I’ve been in my entire life, so that’s something, right?

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So, if that’s the case, why is it assumed that I’m hung up on it? Why is it taken that way? Why does me talking about my experience automatically make me a terrible person that can’t “get over” my divorce and ex-husband? Trust me, I’m over both! But it was such a huge life lesson that I’ll never take for granted or be sorry for. It’s such a part of ME that can never be taken away. It’s changed me. It’s changed who I am, how I act, how I see the world and other people in their circumstances.

So yes, I will probably talk about my divorce in some form or fashion for the rest of my life. I’ll blog about it and how it’s changed me and my view of the world. It’s still changing me and still affects me. It’s become part of who I am. Do I dwell on it? Not in the least. Do I allow it to completely consume me? Definitely not. It’s not ALL I talk about, nor will it ever be. But right now, it’s still so very fresh and still part of my journey. I’m still in “post-divorce” life, wading the waters of new fears and insecurities, discovering who I am and who I want to be. And I’m completely okay with that. Why aren’t you?