There was another woman.
Part of me was relieved when I found out there was someone else in his life because it meant that it wasn’t something that I did or didn’t do. It was him. He had apparently been struggling internally for several months prior to this and didn’t communicate about it at all. He had been seeing her for months, and I became angry that I didn’t see it. How could I not have seen it?! He also admitted that he needed to figure out who he was and what he truly wanted out of life. Apparently, it wasn’t me.
I struggled with this at first, but I’ve learned to cut myself some slack. I was working two jobs, plus overtime, plus supporting him through school and so many other things. It was something he had learned to hide so well, and I refuse to feel guilty for that. I’m not saying I’m perfect and had nothing to do with his decision. Of course there were things I could’ve tried to do better. I could’ve been better. But I didn’t know he was struggling so much. I didn’t know things were so, so wrong for him. After talking to family and close friends and loved ones, I decided a separation was best to try to figure out where to go from there. I was still clinging to my marriage and went into prayer mode immediately. Why would God allow for this to happen? Doesn’t He want me to be happy? Don’t I deserve a healthy, happy, loving, faithful marriage?
I knew that I wanted us to go to marriage counseling to attempt to restore our broken marriage, and he agreed that after a month of being separated and getting our heads on straight, we’d go. So, a month came and went, and I scheduled a counseling session for a Friday afternoon. I was nervous. He was going to be able to see just how much of a mess I was, and I didn’t want to be vulnerable in front of him. I was angry! But, I knew it was what our marriage needed and knew that God was asking me to be vulnerable and honest.
Counseling never happened. I received a text from him the day before saying he wouldn’t be attending because it wasn’t going to fix or change anything. So, at this point, not only was my heart shattered into a million different pieces since that first night, he was now stomping on each and every piece, ensuring that my heart would never be whole again. He wasn’t even willing to try. He was done.
My husband cheated on me. My husband has a girlfriend.